bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘health care vote’

Luis Gutierrez switcheroo on Obamacare

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March 20th, 2010 Posted 5:07 pm

Luis Gutierrez, representative from Illinois, was the latest in the series of Dems who have indicated plans to switch from No to Yes on the upcoming Obamacare vote.  Mr. Gutierrez was asked why he switched.

“Originally, I thought the Obamacare program sucked, sucked bad.  I was concerned, along with my constituents, that the government takeover of one-sixth the economy was not what we wanted, the death panels were a bad idea, and the trillion dollar cost tab was obnoxious.  Furthermore, I felt that we shouldn’t make the taxpayer pay for sex change operations or male enhancement hormone therapy.  But what really irked me was when I heard that the new bill would not allow illegal immigrants to participate.  I was flabbergasted at this unfair act of blatant discrimination.gutierrez

“But I met with the President, and he helped put it all in a better perspective.  He told me that the evil Health Insurance companies were busy building a Death Star to blow up the planet, similar to the one that destroyed Alderaan.  Those insurance creeps have been using the enormous profits raked from our poor citizens to finance the construction work, and it was slated for completion within 4 years.  He said if we don’t stop them, crush them, they will complete the Death Star, relocate all their favored people onto it, and super-laser beam the earth.  The President also mentioned that he had inside information that there would be zero illegal aliens invited to board the Death Star…zip, nada.

“I knew that the Insurance companies were bad guys, but I never knew they were this nasty.  I knew they were indiscriminately jacking our rates up, but I never knew where all the money was going.  I thought that the rates were going up to pay for more technologically-advanced diagnostic equipment and extensive medical treatment facilities to prolong life.  Now I find out it has been used for technologically-advanced evil spacecraft to extend life for these extra-terrestial wannabes.  Man, was I wrong on that one!  No clue.”

Obamacare bill opponents told Gutierrez that the Death Star garbage was pure crap.  They laughed and said there is no such thing as a Death Star, and even if there was, they certainly wouldn’t blast Earth.  But Gutierrez responded that this was the honest-to-goodness President telling him this information, and there is no way he would ever make up that kind of stuff.  Luis said we need to support Obamacare immediately and snuff out these Insurance freaks and all their illicit buddies before we all end up vaporized.

Gutierrez looks at it from a practical standpoint now:  a trillion dollars to save the entire planet?  Easy choice.  “I’m on board with the President on this one.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Obamacare: not-so gentle persuasion for Yes votes

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March 13th, 2010 Posted 2:46 pm

At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House.  Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need.  One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker.  Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer.  Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way.  Pretty sweet…”

Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd.  Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson.  Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary.  They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.goink

But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts.  Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection.  They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement.  These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.

Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington.  Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.

Coreless Senators face tough choice on whom to suck

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December 17th, 2009 Posted 2:36 pm

bizarre149Sensing there was some leakage wisping among the Dems in the Bizarreville Senate on the upcoming Health Care vote, Leader Harry Dweed took decisive action.  He needed a professional, skilled at driving alignment.  Dweed brought in Shlembo, the circus lion-tamer, with a reputation for taking the meanest, nastiest, most ornery beasts and breaking their wills.

Shlembo is highly skilled in using 2 whips in his taming technique.  Allegedly, Shlembo can snap an unfiltered Camel cigarette out of a Senator’s mouth before he can exhale one ounce of secondary smoke.  He can pick off a single curly hair with one swift crack.  He claims he can have these stubborn hold-outs dancing the hokey-pokey in their underwear by vote time.

Some blue dog Dems are understandably in a bit of a pinch….they are stuck between supporting their loyal, loving constituents back home versus sucking up to Harry.  “It’s so darn difficult when your core values are fluid,” said one unnamed wind blowee.  “In today’s world, you absolutely must keep your belief system flexible.  Hey, just last night I had a talk with my family about converting to Scientology so we could be more hip.  I ordered a chicken sandwich at a MacDonald’s for lunch when I saw the lousy poll ratings on Burger-eater favorability.  Just made the big move to boxers.  It’s all about being smart.”

Dweed thinks Shlembo will snap these coreless wonders into shape and get their thinking straight.  “Either that or they’re gonna have some sore backsides,”  Dweed is serious as a heart attack on this issue.  “Socialized medicine is the most critical fundamental building block in our drive to expunge the old capitalistic ways.  We can’t let it all fall apart because a couple confused dingleberries forgot how to wipe their  a$$#*!$.”