bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘health care dealmaking’

Luis Gutierrez switcheroo on Obamacare

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March 20th, 2010 Posted 5:07 pm

Luis Gutierrez, representative from Illinois, was the latest in the series of Dems who have indicated plans to switch from No to Yes on the upcoming Obamacare vote.  Mr. Gutierrez was asked why he switched.

“Originally, I thought the Obamacare program sucked, sucked bad.  I was concerned, along with my constituents, that the government takeover of one-sixth the economy was not what we wanted, the death panels were a bad idea, and the trillion dollar cost tab was obnoxious.  Furthermore, I felt that we shouldn’t make the taxpayer pay for sex change operations or male enhancement hormone therapy.  But what really irked me was when I heard that the new bill would not allow illegal immigrants to participate.  I was flabbergasted at this unfair act of blatant discrimination.gutierrez

“But I met with the President, and he helped put it all in a better perspective.  He told me that the evil Health Insurance companies were busy building a Death Star to blow up the planet, similar to the one that destroyed Alderaan.  Those insurance creeps have been using the enormous profits raked from our poor citizens to finance the construction work, and it was slated for completion within 4 years.  He said if we don’t stop them, crush them, they will complete the Death Star, relocate all their favored people onto it, and super-laser beam the earth.  The President also mentioned that he had inside information that there would be zero illegal aliens invited to board the Death Star…zip, nada.

“I knew that the Insurance companies were bad guys, but I never knew they were this nasty.  I knew they were indiscriminately jacking our rates up, but I never knew where all the money was going.  I thought that the rates were going up to pay for more technologically-advanced diagnostic equipment and extensive medical treatment facilities to prolong life.  Now I find out it has been used for technologically-advanced evil spacecraft to extend life for these extra-terrestial wannabes.  Man, was I wrong on that one!  No clue.”

Obamacare bill opponents told Gutierrez that the Death Star garbage was pure crap.  They laughed and said there is no such thing as a Death Star, and even if there was, they certainly wouldn’t blast Earth.  But Gutierrez responded that this was the honest-to-goodness President telling him this information, and there is no way he would ever make up that kind of stuff.  Luis said we need to support Obamacare immediately and snuff out these Insurance freaks and all their illicit buddies before we all end up vaporized.

Gutierrez looks at it from a practical standpoint now:  a trillion dollars to save the entire planet?  Easy choice.  “I’m on board with the President on this one.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Slinky dealmaking is helping get health care bill done

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November 21st, 2009 Posted 4:34 pm

Reports are surfacing of much sinister deal-making by Leaders squirming to get votes to pass the new Bizarreville Health Care program. It’s going to be a close vote, so they’re exercising their creativity like never before.

Allegedly, leaders promised one lawmaker that his district would get funding for an all-new theme park if he voted YES on the bill.  The park would create thousands of new jobs.  When Leaders were challenged about this shenanigan, the Whip explained it would be a “Medical Theme” theme park with roller coasters that look like giant arteries and coaster cars outfitted to look like clots.  There would be simulators that take riders on exciting, adventurous trips up the human bowel.  “It would be an educational experience like no other for the kids, and a perfect fit with the intent of the proposed Health Care bill to better educate the public,” said the Leaders.

Another lawmaker was wavering on his vote, so Leaders threw him a bone…funding to rebuild each and every highway in his district.  The decision was rationalized by saying those potholes and rough roads were creating teeth-jarring impacts on backs and spinal columns, running up health costs for the citizenry.  Fixing the roads and reducing these costs would greatly help pay for the huge bureaucracy that would be necessary to drive the whole program.  The Lawmaker tried to hold out for all concrete roads, but reluctantly settled on some asphalt in the final negotiated deal.

A 3rd lawmaker, Ernest Drooper, wanted his back scratched at least as much as those other two.  Drooper and the Leaders wrestled through several negotiating sessions to delve into what greasing-of-the-skids would be needed to change his vote.  Finally, they agreed to build a modest-size pharmaceutical research laboratory focused on eliminating corns on baby toes…apparently a huge problem among his constituents.  The Corn Toe Lab will break ground early next year.bizarre75

So, it’s looking like the Health Care bill is getting the bolstering it needs for passage.  There could be some additional vote leakage as word gets out of the flim-flamming going on, and other lawmakers demand their fair share of beak-wetting.  But Leaders plan to hurry the bill through, while Pandora’s box is still partially closed.