Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘detroit’

Massive discounts on defunct Pontiacs get dealers scratching

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January 5th, 2010 Posted 4:19 pm

Bizarreville auto dealers are preparing themselves for a potential onrush of new customers stemming from GM’s announcement of massive discounts on Pontiacs as that line gets phased-out.  Other dealers are concerned that the decision to sell these new cars as “used” cars may open pandora’s box of new sales gimmickry not seen since the advent of the rebate.

Dealers are optimistic in spite of the fact that Pontiac sales have been just about zilch in Bizarreville for the past 25 years, ever since GM changed its Pontiac brand strategy from high-performance, leading-edge designs to mediocre-performance, mundane crapmobiles.  “We knew it was a risky strategic shift,” commented a Marketing Manager with the former Pontiac.  “But our market research told us that customers were no longer interested in performance, styling, handling, or image.  They thought all that ‘Wide Track Pontiac” malarky was incomprehensible.  It wasn’t until many, many years later that we found that we were surveying a bunch of grammaws from Peoria…man, we really blew that one.”

pontiac2All are anxious to hear details on the massiveness of the discounts.  “Hope it’s not another one of those ‘100 bucks below invoice’ scams,” lamented a shopper at Bilgewater Pontiac.  “Between that and the Employee A-plan discount pricing shell-game, we have become pretty disillusioned with pricing shenanigans by these guys…and have normally headed over to the Studebaker dealer.”  When told that Studebaker has been defunct for many years, the customer responded, “Really?  Guess we’ll have to head over to the DeSoto dealer, then.”

Many potential buyers are nervous about how Service will be handled after the dealers take down their Pontiac signs, and raise signs for a different brand, probably Asian-based brand.  “We’ll service the Pontiacs,” claimed the Service Manager at Bilgewater.  “…as long as we can scrounge up parts from the junkyards and find elderly mechanics who haven’t yet forgotten how to work on ’em.  The only other issue could be the demands from our new carline, Bangla Desh Motors…and our expectation of a steady stream of warranty issues with their rubber-band technology…that could zap our resources to work on lower priority stuff, like our old whats-its-name brand.”

Dealers will provide new customers with a signed letter from the CEO of Pontiac’s new parent company, Motors Liquidation Corporation, stating the company’s support of the line.  “I’ll state my personal reputation on it,” he said, while not fully disclosing that his current professional reputation is scooper-ready.


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Detroit moves to China

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January 1st, 2010 Posted 12:35 am

detroitIn a shocking, unprecedented move, the City of Detroit announced its plans to move to China.  This move comes on the heels of Honda’s announcement of plans to build a new car factory in Wuhan, and similar Chinese capacity expansion announcements by BMW, Volkswagen, and Nissan.

“There are a number of details that will need to be worked out,” said former NBA player and current Detroit mayor Dave Bing.  “Starting with where to locate the city.  We’re looking for something near a big lake system fed by plenty of rivers that have adequate sewage handling capacity.  Would also prefer a location with lousy weather…you know, snow, sleet, freezing rain, gray skies…at least 11 months of the year so our citizens can acclimate quickly.”

Detroit has been under severe pressure recently with closures of factories, layoffs by the Auto companies, and the pathetic performance of the University of Michigan football team.  This has created a sense of acute pessimism that pervades the town.  But this attitude will fit well in China, where the people are already moapy, depressed, and discouraged.  And Detroiters have become so used to entitlements and free handouts that the switch to Communism should be relatively seamless, and should bring up their spirits.

Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm expressed her disappointment in the move, but said she understands the reasons and will work with the Chinese on the transition.  When asked what will replace Detroit once it vacates, she said, “Probably a landfill.”

Detroit hopes to regain the moniker of the world’s Motor City, perhaps by annexing the land that the Chinese auto plants occupy.  Chinese officials commented back on this statement, but the translation was difficult….translators said that it it was a very ancient obscenity that involves your sisters, donkeys, and various viscous fluids.

Chinese authorities say they may rename Detroit after the move to a less French-sounding name.  They have suggested the name Fugwad, which they claim means “natural process” or “beautiful flow” in Chinese.  Detroiters say they cannot find that word in any Chinese dictionary, but may accept the change to appease their new hosts.

The Chinese have said that they will take the Tigers, but will not allow Detroit to bring the Lions over.  “Maybe you can give them to the North Koreans,” said a Chinese sports minister, laughing hysterically.


Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fictional.  Even the ones that sound like they could be real.