bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘deficit spending’

Can The Debt ceiling be raised any more?

No Comments »

February 6th, 2011 Posted 9:32 pm

The battle continues in Capitol Valley on what to do about The Debt.  The Debt, as most people know, is an old ramshackle building next door to the Bizarreville Capitol where all the IOU’s are kept that have stemmed from the rampant mindless government borrowings to fund its wild and crazy spending spree over many years.

In early times, the IOU’s were neatly filed in beautiful oak file cabinets, alphabetized by lender, with an army of secretaries doing the filing in crisp manila folders.  As the IOU rate accelerated, the oak cabinets became jammed full, and they had to buy some cheap metal cabinets…later ratcheting down to cardboard cabinets.  But, after a while, the incoming IOU’s were just too rapid-fire, so they went with plain old brown boxes.  Soon after, when the job of “secretary” was eliminated by Bizarreville courts as being “too demeaning to the soul…a reprehensible exploitation of women…an excuse to have glorified waitresses shlepping coffee for a bunch of lazy suits,” the organized filing simply ceased.  IOU’s were just dollied into rooms, closets, and hallways, and dumped helter skelter.  Papers were strewn everywhere.

When all the available space was packed as tight as a colon on a no-fiber diet, the Elders determined that the only solution was to raise The Debt ceiling, and add another flat of rooms.  That would free up some space in lower floors, so they said, in case anyone wanted to navigate through the mess to pay off a few of the IOU’s.  Unfortunately, though, before the next floor was even roughed-in, it began to fill with new truckloads of IOU paperwork, promissory notes being shuttled in continuously.  The Bizarreville fathers hurriedly raised the ceiling again, and started construction of another floor.  The lack of time for architectural planning or construction oversight caused a few, mostly cosmetic, issues to develop which were corrected with careful gerryrigging.the debt

The Spenders were happy with the solution of adding more and more floors.  Sure, the building was ugly, but it was functional, and really that’s all that mattered.  The IOU’s were in a place that was mostly dry except in torrential rainstorms.  And without secretaries, there was none of the constant whining and bellyaching about crowded conditions, as there had been previously.  Curtains were purchased for the windows, drawn closed, so that no one would have to see the mess inside.

The Ceiling raising solution was one that everyone could be happy about…that is, until the Bizarreville Building Engineer finally insisted on an inspection.  In his report, he pointed out that The Debt was an unstable, overloaded fire hazard that would likely crash to the ground within 12 months.  Naturally, he was fired the next day for his delusional scare tactics, irresponsible analytics, and offensive personal hygiene.

In his aftermath, however, the debate has continued to resound about the quality of the building and structural soundness.  Legislators point out that The Debt has become a tourist attraction, especially by foreign visitors who marvel and love to take photographs of it.  “The Debt has so much more character than that silly leaning tower in Pisa,” one world traveler commented.  “No comparison.  This photo is going up in my Rec Room next to a couple Andy Warhol soup cans.”

Rumors have started that maybe Congress would stop their manic hyper-spending, negating the need to raise The Debt ceiling anymore.  “Hope not,” another shutterbug answered.  “At least not until they add one or two more floors to this wobbly piece of crap.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would like to be true.

The Price is Fright game show

No Comments »

June 13th, 2010 Posted 1:53 am

Nancy Pelosi…come on down!!  You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright.  Whooop, whooop, whooop.  Okay contestants, here we go.  Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?priceisfright

Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!!  These are not just any jobs.  They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever.  From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy.  Nancy?

I’ll bid $100 billion.

Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker.  Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery.  Harry?

Yeah, that’s way too high for jobs that are basically make-work jobs.  Come on, give me a break.  I’ll say $78 billion.

Okay, now we’re getting serious.  Joe….you’re next…

I’ll bid one dollar.

One dollar for 100 jobs??  Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind.  Okay, one dollar.  Barack?

It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price.  It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy.  These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning.  And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs?  You can’t ….

Barack, Barack….please, man.  Just shut up.  Shut your cake hole, and give me a freaking bid already.

$62 billion.  There….you happy now?  You dirty, good-for-nothing mother mrrrrr,  mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, mrrrrr….

Thank you.  Retail price….$62 billion!!  Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot.  How did you ever do that?

It’s easy, Bob.  He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers.  He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal.  If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion.  Are you that naive?

Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw.  Am I right?  A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy?  Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?

No, Bob.  I don’t care if he always wins.  I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity.  We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will.  Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job.  No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.

(Buzzzzzz).  I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today.  But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements.  Until then,  good night friends.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even game shows