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Posts Tagged ‘congress bobbleheads’

High court approves plan to replace congressmen with bobbleheads

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January 29th, 2011 Posted 1:46 pm

The Bizarreville Supreme Court announced its controversial decision in a split 5-4 vote that will order the entire congress to be replaced by bobblehead dolls.  This move would include both the 435 member House and 100 member Senate, for a total of 535 bobbleheads.  The units will be ordered from Bilgewater Bobblers Inc, at a discounted price of $9.99 per doll.bobbleheads

The action, as most people know, was part of a sweeping program to drastically cut the costs of running the bloated government, whose spending had spiralled out of control.  It was promptly challenged in the Courts, but in writing the majority opinion, the Chief Justice wrote, “The body had become a nest of whiny, bickering, prima-donna knuckleheads whose every step had been a wrong step, whose every new law had become fubar, and whose leadership had reminded us of ElmerFudd.  The founders would have opted for this course-shift long ago…”

Bilgewater says that they can deliver a variety of doll types to meet the Court’s instructions for diversity.  They will offer some dolls that bobble up and down, some that bobble sideways, basically mimicking the affirmative nods or negative head shakes of their human counterparts in their respective parties.  They can be specified with solid blockheads or mushy marshmallow noggens.  And they will come in a range of designer colors and odors, including the newest offerings:  shocking pink onion loaf and blue bayou swamp gas.

Accountants estimate the Bobblehead Replacement Initiative (BRI) will save $50 billion per year or more, when just considering their salaries, outrageous perqs, bulging staff costs, frivolous office supply wastage, and of course, the ever-expanding itineraries of boondoggles.  More importantly, the initiatve will save hundreds of billions by squelching the spendaholism disease that has ravaged the body of people who, sadly, just can’t say “No”.   Some have likened them to Miss Ado Annie in the play ‘Oklahoma’, who sang that she just ‘Cain’t say no’ to fellers…the difference being, of course, that the citizens are on the other end of the sexual experience.

Polls of citizens suggest a concern that the new bobbleheads won’t represent them as well as humans.  A protest group of well over 12 people descended on the Courthouse after the announcement.  “You can’t be serious,” cried one protestor.  “These dolls are just going to blankly stand there like bozos in front of Town Hall meetings, pretend to listen to constituents, while just bobbling their little heads the whole time, and ultimately doing nothing worthwhile….come to think of it, I guess there’s not so much difference after all.  Scratch that.”


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.