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Posts Tagged ‘BP oil spill’

President Asskicker

The President, in a desperate attempt to change his pansy image, attended the National Asskicker Society meeting this week.  Members unanimously voted him Honorary Chief of the Society for “showing the mean angry face of a determined bully who meant business and would take no prisoners.”  The President was humbled so much in this designation that the Board almost decided to take the honor away from him.

The Chairman of the Society, Elfred DeJong, officially known as the F#?%Head Supreme, said that the President has made great strides in flushing out his inherent weenyness that had made him the lapdog of the bleeding heart liberals.  “But we need to see more than just a snippet or two of tough talk,” he said.  “We need to see him chasing down those Washington idiots across the White House lawn and literally be kicking their asses along the chase.  We want it to look like a bloody Three Stooges routine.  He needs to be Moe.  That’s when we’ll be truly convinced of his ability to earn the honor bestowed upon him today.  We’ll be watching.”

A spokesman for the President said he is going to seriously try hard to be an A-1 Asskicker, even though it runs against all his natural instincts.  He has started watching old James Cagney face-slapping movies, and some Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movies to better learn classic jerkism.  He has even considered pulling out the old strap on his kids.  The President has cancelled his memberships in the Mamby Pamby Society, the Gutless Wonders Association, and the Men With Tears.  “He’s committed.  There will be no tear sheds around here, believe me.”

As the President left the National Asskickers Society meeting, he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face.  “There’s still work to do,” the President said as he brushed off his Armani suit.  The Society Chairman said that they could always retract the honor if he returns to acting like a boob.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

New hand-wringing towels for the BP oil spill crisis

The White House just announced plans to change suppliers of their official hand-wringing towels.  They claim that the current supplier has failed to deliver a consistent quality  product that can hold up to the demands of their intense users.

A White House spokesman indicated that the previous towels provided by Waaah Waaah Inc literally turned into shreds during the current BP oil spill crisis.  “They just were not up to the task,” the spokesman said.  “We had a group of 10 of us in the Oval Office wimpering, crying, and wringing the snot out of those towels.  9 out of 10 basically disintegrated, turning into a mangled mess of sloppy thread.  The 10th was used by a staffer who apparently dozed off during the meeting.”

Waaah Waaah has said that they never warrantied their product line for this enormous level of wringing that the towels recently were subjected to.  They said that they would have normally expected the Chief Executive to stop crying, and start doing something at this stage of the crisis, as all his predecessors would have done by now.  “This Chief has just thrown us for a loop,” said Frank Waaah, CEO of the company.  “It appears we are in a new age of fret, that may require us to totally rethink how our product line is designed.”

The new supplier, Boohooski Wet Mops Inc., promised to deliver hand-wringers made out of heavy-duty denim with kevlar wire reinforcement.  They say that their towels are strictly made for wringing, and caution the texture is much too rough for facial skin contact.  They claim that they will guarantee the steady performance of their Max Wring Whinecloths for either the entire length of the BP oil spill crisis, or 2 years, whichever comes first.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.