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Posts Tagged ‘bonuses’

If we can’t nationalize health care, how about banks?

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January 24th, 2010 Posted 4:43 pm

Reeling from the Massachusetts upset loss, the Libs and Obama administration coalition forces have been meeting almost continuously.  Realizing that their Master Plan to nationalize the country’s Health Care system may go up in smoke, they have been frantically looking for alternatives.  Insiders say that the goal is still to nationalize at least 16% of the US economy, equivalent to Health Care…so Lib leaders have charged underlings to get out and find a new 16%…fast.banks

Obama officials are initially focusing on Banks, a huge element in the economy, and ripe for nationalizing.  The big banks have helped the President’s case  by paying billions of dollars in bonuses and other perqs to the incompetent boobs that nearly bankrupted their companies…resulting in a public outcry.  The administration has also done a remarkable job blaming bank freewheeling capitalist lending policies & ignoring accounting rules that triggered the 2008-09 economic collapse, which the gullible public has accepted as fact.  Both sides of the aisle in Congress don’t like bankers anyway, so there might not be much resistance to nationalization.

The first step could be passage of some new tough financial rules, affectionately known as Rules of Obnoxion.  The focus will be Punishment…punishment for making too much money, punishment for paying too many bonuses, punishment for executive desks too big, punishment for customer lunches too extravagant.  There will be punishment for lending certain people money who can’t repay, and punishment for NOT lending certain other people money who also can’t repay.  The new Bonus/Perq czar will work closely with the Lending Preference czar to ratchet up the pressure on the so-called fat cats.  By the time it’s all over, they’ll be overjoyed to become nationalized.

But just nationalizing banks will not be enough to achieve the goal, and sources say that anyone and everyone is fair game in the Nationalization Lottery.  One name that has popped up has been McDonalds Corporation.  Investigations have shown that McDonalds has been selling 3 sizes of fries with different size packets.  But it turns out that some restaurants put the same amount of fries in each one, regardless of packet size.  When this became public, outraged customers just said, “Nationalize those sons of a bitch!”  The company, scrambling, is considering Free Fries Fridays to prevent a stampede, and begin to repair its french fry reputation.

Opponents to Mac being nationalized point out that this would change the burger wars’ competitive landscape.  “This new “Feddie Mac” subsidized by taxpayers could cut prices on Big Macs, or start handing out free Apple Pies with every order,” a burger industry expert said.  “Burger King would have to find cheaper, lower-quality meat to stay competitive…citizens, chain your dogs.” 

It is possible that the administration might just have to nationalize the whole burger industry, maybe throw in the chicken restaurant industry, too.  Stay tuned.


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.