Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘bankers’

No more sub-prime loan designations

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April 8th, 2010 Posted 2:57 am

The Bizarreville Bankers Association issued a statement yesterday that has a segment of citizens very upset.  The Bankers announced that there will no longer be a classification of mortgage loans titled “Sub-prime” mortgages.  As most know, sub-prime mortgages were widely viewed as a key contributing factor to the recent financial crisis and economic recession.  And so to distance themselves from this confusing and very ambiguous term, the Bankers have decided to drop it altogether.bankers

In its place will be 3 new classifications of mortgage loans, and all loans for that matter:  (1) Prime credit loans, (2) Loans to people whose credit sucks, and (3) Loans to numbskulls who will most assuredly never pay them back, so say goodbye to that dough.  The Banks will also adopt a new logo system that will appear on all loan applications and other paperwork…a vacuum cleaner icon on the ‘Credit Sucks’ designees, and a stack of cash with wings icon for the ‘Kiss that dough goodbye’ designees.  Logo tee-shirts will also be available at any participating bank.

Much of the outcry has been related to the #2 classification, Loans to people whose credit sucks.  Gripers argue that this places a stigma on a lot of good people who, through no fault of their own, just ended up getting a dozen or so credit cards with maxxed-out balances, and/or a car loan whose monthly payments were set unreasonably high by greedy bankers.  They claim that it will now be difficult for them to get any financing for a new Lexus or Beamer, let alone a mortgage on that new lakefront cottage.  They will be embarrassed to ever file for bankruptcy for fear of being ridiculed and stigmatized by friends and neighbors.

Several banks have recognized the insensitivity of the ‘Credit Sucks’ designation, and have offered to give any lousy credit customer who opens a new account a free low-power vacuum cleaner as a promotional enticement.  Another bank is giving away free brooms with a label “Don’t suck, sweep”.  The Bankers Association said they are certain that these low-end customers will see the humor in these items…although privately one bank exec said he hopes they do their business at the credit union from here on out.

Surprisingly, there has been little pushback on the ‘Never Pay Back’ designation.  Most feel this segment of the market will return to their roots of borrowing money from Title Pawn companies, loan sharks, and the mob…where contract terms are simpler and payback terms are easy for them to understand.


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Mr. Ambiguity holds bankers accountable

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December 18th, 2009 Posted 2:06 pm

bizarre151Good afternoon.  Today we’re speaking with a member of the
Bizarreville White House cabinet.  Your name is…
                                        You can just call me Mr. Ambiguity.
Okay, fine, Mr. Ambiguity….we understand that you have
recently met with a host of ‘Fat Cat’ bankers (I believe that
is what you called them).  These would be, what….the CEO’s
of some large banks?
                                        Yes.  We met with these overweight greedy
                                        Master Bastards earlier this week.  Read them the
                                        full, unabridged Riot Act for causing the whole world
                                        financial crisis, which put the country in this recession.
                                        It was a brutal butt-chewing… poop on the ceiling.
I heard that you did all this over a lavish dinner of 2-inch
thick New York strip steaks, fine Napa cabernet, and
creme brulee.
                                        Well, yes.  We wanted to thank them for paying back the
                                        stimulus funds early, several months ahead of schedule.
                                       And for starting to ease up credit a bit for small
                                       businesses out there.
I thought….I mean, earlier you sounded like you had been
angry at them for getting into trouble in the first place?
                                        Damn straight.  We pointed out in no uncertain terms
                                        their loosey goosey lending policies…approving loans
                                        for gold bricks and ne’er-do-wells who had no intention
                                       on ever repaying.  We told them if it ever happened
                                       again, someone would be going to jail.
But weren’t you guys the ones who told them to make
credit easier so that more people could afford personal
                                        Yes.  And we thanked them for taking on such a
                                        daunting challenge, responding to our suggestions.
                                        They helped millions of people out there, literally
                                        millions.  We gave each one of the bankers a poinsetta
                                        as a token of our deep appreciation.
Daunting challenge?  They used all kinds of hedging and
derivative schemes with reinsurance tricks.  Those guys
are professional bankers, for crying out loud…trained,
trained, and re-trained in proper accounting methods.
                                        We agree.  These knuckleheads know better.  Have
                                        half a mind to call their alma maters and revoke
                                        their college degrees.
Why haven’t you done that already?  What are you
waiting for…an Act of Congress?
                                        Well, some Bankers have been pretty nice, outstanding
                                        contributors to our campaign…hundreds of thousands
                                        of dollars of welcome loot.  In fact, a couple of them are
                                        staying in the Chester Arthur bedroom as a reward for
                                        being such loyal friends.
So they’ve basically pre-bought your silence, when it
comes to calling the college dean?
                                        Hell no.  In fact, I just put it on my To Do list.  Here it
                                        is…right here:  Call Harvard on Tuesday.  I’ll rip them
                                        a new one Tuesday.
Well thank you, Mr. Ambiguity.  You certainly have lived
up to your stellar reputation.
                                        Thank you.  It’s been a pleasure talking to you…except
                                        for the times when it was boring and mundane.  Where’s
                                        the door….this way?