The reins, the sharks, and other things
The President, tired and confused from a busy week, talked today about his upcoming priorities to rein in Wall Street, and implement sweeping climate control legislation to address global warming, or global cooling, whatever it seems to be doing. But in the course of getting ready for his speech, the teleprompter text got mixed up. Somehow, the President’s lunch order for Chinese also got fumbled into the mix. It all went something like this:
Friends, it has become apparent to me that a pressing national priority absolutely must be to put an end to the Wall Street mavericks who are spewing tons and tons of carbon dioxide, creating the greenhouse effect in our world. On Earth Day, a day we celebrate the greenness of our hundred dollar bills, we can no longer merely accept a passive approach to burning cash and melting down coins just so the investment bankers and squirrelly speculators can eat General Tso chicken and pork fried rice. It is their irresponsibility that inevitably created the economic crash that caused us to order the Cash for Clunkers program to reduce smog, and eliminate the odor that can come from sweet and sour sauce.
So we will be taking firm steps to curtail coal-fired electrical power plants, and replace them with clean burning wontons. There will be tax penalties that will have to be paid by these dirty industries, with proceeds going to help the poor homeless families who have been tossed out via foreclosures and/or failure to pay the delivery charge on their order. But there will also be incentives for those people at Goldman Sachs and fuel-efficient bankers who continue to support our highest ideals, or at least continue to send me those fat campaign contribution checks (ha, ha). But seriously, friends, our future, our kids’ futures, and the future of egg foo young are all at stake if we don’t insist on accountability for clean restrooms.
Therefore, I am directing Congress to immediately pass these laws before our planet gets too warm and our egg-drop soup gets too cold. It is time for us to act decisively, force all the greedy bankers to be quarantined at Three Mile Island, force all the polluters to eat sushi, and stop all the confusing rhetoric. I am asking all the freedom-loving kooks who listen to talk radio or read the crazy stuff in blogs like “bizarreville” to cease and desist drinking green tea, and taste this new flavor of KoolAid that I just came across…tastes a little bit like sulfur dioxide. And remember if we all just walk to our schools, stores, and workplaces we will save enough energy to buy a pu-pu platter.
Thank you, and have a good Moo Goo Gai Pan.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
This entry was posted on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 2:55 am and is filed under Stupid friggin'rules. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.