Archive for December 20th, 2011
December 20th, 2011 Posted 2:11 am
A new candidate has thrown his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination. His name is Bill Shmunk, a retired individual whose career spanned small business management, teaching, local political office, and janitorial work. He certainly is a jack of some trades, not quite all trades, but some.
Shmunk claims that he is the most conservative candidate in the race, perhaps the only true conservative. The others, he claims, are conservative paupers compared to him. Shmunk has bold ideas to solve the nation’s problems: fiscal problems, national security, border problems, and various social problems…line them up, Bill has a solution. He has developed a 10-point Contract with Bizarreville that is sure to turn the race on its ear:
1. Stop calling handouts “entitlements”. No one is entitled to anything. Start calling them Sponge Payments. Give Spongers pictures of real taxpayers when they pick up their checks and freebees, so they know who they’re sponging off of.
2. Allow food stamps to only be used for purchases of spam, chicken salad, lima beans, bran flakes, and day-old bread. Allow food stamp patrons to fill up water jugs at the spigot outside the supermarket door.
3. Adopt a national defense philosophy of “Speak Loudly, but carry a small stick”. Talk harshly about plans to obliterate enemies, but cut most military spending to the bone to save money. Scare off rogue nations with empty, but very graphic, threats. Give soldiers lots of medals to keep spirits high, but reduce funding for free plane rides.
4. Institute a special Hollywood star and Media superstar income tax surcharge of 20 percent. These are people who constantly advocate higher taxes, so they should be permitted to pay them.
5. Force all Mexican illegal aliens to eat plain American food. No hot sauce or jalapenos added. Require id checks before any guacamole can be purchased.
6. Immediately terminate 50% of all government workers. Tell you what, make it 70% of the highly paid staffers. Call it a RIF, brought to you by Chainsaw Bill. Figure out how to do the nation’s nonsensical bureaucracy with fewer people.
7. Require all CEO’s of companies getting bailouts to immediately report to their closest elementary school, and write on the blackboard 1000 times, “I promise I will never ask for a taxpayer bailout again.”
8. Do not permit discrimination, with the exception of people who own cats. Allow blatant discrimination and profiling of cat lovers, including having them drink from separate water fountains.
9. Stop all efforts to nationalize health care, a concept which entails long lines at the doctor’s office, long waits in waiting rooms, rude receptionists who can never get you in for an appointment, mediocre patient care with quick focus on writing a prescription and getting you out the door, confusing claim filing and bill paying, snotty attitudes…wait a minute, that’s what we’ve got now!
10. Adjustable term limits for congress people, based on how well they score on the knucklehead-o-meter. Each legislator would get 1 knucklehead point for every idiotic thing he/she says or does while in office. A score of 3 or less would allow running for 1 more term. A score of 7 or more would require immediate impeachment.
Shmunk believes he has the message that will resonate with the conservative masses, and right-of-centers. He feels that his bold, creative programs, while somewhat controversial, are needed to get the nation on the right course. He feels he can win, because the other guys are too blase`.
When asked about the liklihood of alienating the nation’s cat lovers with his tongue-in-cheek discrimination program, he responded, “What tongue-in-cheek?”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even some of the candidates.