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Archive for March 31st, 2010

Postal Service cuts their way to success

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March 31st, 2010 Posted 2:44 am

The cracker jack Bizarreville Postal Service announced sweeping cost cutting moves in response to their $238 billion projected debt over the next decade.  The strategy will be rolled out in phases over the next 4-5 years to get them from 12-digit deficits down to a manageable 10-digit deficit.  The Postmaster General commented that he has not figured out a way to make money handling/delivering mail, and has suggested they may start delivering pizza if things don’t get better.  Pizza owners quip that a delivered pizza would cost about 38 bucks if the Post Office took charge.

postalThe Post Office will initially start by cutting out Saturday deliveries and Saturday mail pickups to trim $5 billion/year in expenses, and put 49 thousand postal workers on the street.  But within a year or two, they plan to  eliminate Monday and Friday service, then in another two years take it down to just Thursday mail, and to hell with it.  They are considering a new Self-Service concept, whereby customers could just go to the post office and plow through a big pile of mail on the floor to find their stuff…but it’s only at the conceptual stage at this point.

The Office was expecting there to be an outcry about this service cutback, but surveys have shown that citizens could not care less.  Some people surveyed did not even know who the Postal Service was, until it was explained they were the ones who deliver Snail Mail that’s stuffed in that box at the end of their driveway.  “You mean the box that has all the worthless crap mail in it?” asked one surveyed customer, who later remembered getting a birthday card in the box about a year ago.

Supporters point out that the Postal Service is reasonably efficient, given the fact that they are still using a business model honed in the 18th century, and run by a government model honed in the 11th century.  They emphasize that most mail actually makes it to the destination desired, and challenge naysayers to find any other governmental bureaucracy that can get it right over half of the time.

Progressives have proposed bolstering the office with more federal funding, higher stamp prices, and maintaining bloated headcounts with generous wage hikes each year.  “Cuz if they fail, who will deliver our junk mail?” asked a progressive pundit.  “Who?  Fed Ex?  I doubt it.”


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.