Archive for March 28th, 2010
March 28th, 2010 Posted 2:19 pm
Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”. It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970′s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land. Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation. And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other. Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.
Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines. They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you. And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!” Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story: good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.
The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook. He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public. But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost. He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims. “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”
Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable. The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.