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Archive for March 14th, 2010

The Lib Congress electronic translator

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March 14th, 2010 Posted 1:23 pm

translatorThe fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

-We need more jobs                            -We need new Health care
-Lower taxes for everyone to              -Raise taxes only on people making an
 help the economy really grow            income. More rebates for people who
                                                             pay no tax at all.
-Less government intrusion into        -Need to get Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity
 our daily lives                                      off the air. They are too subversive, and
                                                             keep talking about our Founding fathers,
                                                             Ronald Reagan, and other old farts.
-Need a lot more jobs now.  Jobs,       -Need speedier implementation of Health
 jobs, jobs, jobs.  Get it???                    Care.  It’s the Health Care, Stupid!!
-Unemployment is at a 50-year          -Bastard companies are exporting jobs
 high. What are you doing about it?     to China to get that cheap labor. Need
                                                              to punish them more or just nationalize
-People are defaulting on their             -Greedy bankers are screwing the  
 mortgages and losing homes                common man. Need to hang them out
                                                                to dry, and force banks to stay open
                                                                on Holidays, as punishment.
-We like our current Health Care         -Nasty health insurance companies are
 plan. Don’t F#&! with it                        screwing us. We poor souls don’t
                                                               know any better, but you’ll save us
-I need you to start listening to me,   -You’re a handsome devil. Weren’t you
 really listening to me                           on the latest cover of GQ?

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.