bizarreville

Archive for March, 2010

The official end of bipartisanship

The joint leadership of Congress declared last week the official end of bipartisanship and any pretense of both sides working together.  The exciting announcement was made together by both parties on the steps of the Capitol, after which the parties gave each other high-fives, chest bumps, then flipped each other the bird.  There was dancing in the street by all the citizens who have been sick and tired of all the mickey mouse for months.  The press corps also cheered wildly, and broke out bottles of cheap champagne to celebrate the end to the silly games of gotcha…although some reporters sadly realized that the funnest parts of their jobs may now be over, and they will have to go back to just reporting plain old boring news.

It was long overdue.  But the recent Health Care bill fiasco finally made all realize that enough is enough.  “We want to take the country into a new, exciting, changed world…a world of marxism, and they don’t,” said a Democratic senator.  “There’s no reasoning with those slobs on the right.  They just want the same old/same old…with policies of minimal government that are so passe that no one in the world subscribes to anymore.  They need to seriously join the 21st century, and get out of their 1776-vintage old fogey ways.  Time to wake up and smell the latte, boys.”

Republicans are also relieved at not having to bother with “finding common ground with skunks,” as one congressman put it.  They had become frustrated after trying for months and months to interject one lousy little idea into the Obamacare bill, but were shot down and shut out on every try.  Conservatives had gotten angry over the secret backroom deals, the Cornhusker Kickbacks, making-up new far-fetched rules on the fly if Dems didn’t like the old rules, and worst of all – using the Constitution for TP.  Finally, they said piss on it…we’ll let the voters decide in November if they want Mao and his buddies running things.  They then bought themselves a round of shots at Murphy’s Bar, and poured them down their gullets.

The party atmosphere is expected to continue through the St. Patrick’s day holiday.  Liberals will be dressed in their customary orange outfits so as to not offend non-Irish people, and naturally are prepared to be cat-called “Protestants” on Wednesday.  All are hoping to avoid confrontations like the ones last year, which unfortunately culminated in one drunken Lib yelling out, “Danny Boy was a tea bagger.”  Naturally this erupted into fisticuffs with several black eyes, before the paddywagons took the drunk and his orange buddies away.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Suicide bombers are getting hot

A consortium of Mid-East lawyers has announced plans to file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of hundreds of suicide bombers, against Al-Qaeda leaders.  The suit was initiated by a lawyer representing one of the recent 4 bombers who lit off in Kandohar over ther weekend.  The lawyer claimed he was visited by his client’s ghost wearing a fire-retardant outfit, and smelling like a Burger King parking lot, wanting immediate justice.  The consortium spokesman said it would likely be a difficult lawsuit representing so many dead guys, but they were confident in ultimate victory.

The problem, they say, comes down to a breach of promise made to the suicide crazies:  that they would receive an eternal perch in heaven and a bevvy of virgins, in return for their suicide act.  The lawyers say that they have conclusive evidence that these patsies, in fact, ended up in the hottest-stoked grates in hell.  Worse yet, the so-called “virgins” ended up being virgin sheep.

Al-Qaeda lawyers say that there is no such evidence, and that they have been assured by the Council of Islamic clerics that the eternal promises are rock solid and are truly being kept.  They have produced volumes of scripts from prophets and learned theologians as their so-called proof.

But the plaintiffs believe they have a winnable case.  They have conducted hundreds of seances, producing audio tapes and bonefide transcripts from top-notch mediums.  Lawyers claim they have quotes such as “I’m friggin burning up down here,” “These sheep smell really bad,” “My soul is past well-done, turn me over,” and “Hitler sends his regards.”

It is still an uphill battle in getting a judge to hear their case.  Much of the evidence will be considered hear-say, at best.  Cross-examination will be difficult, if not impossible.  And, naturally, the other difficulty would be the lack of a workable remedy.  Stay tuned.

The Lib Congress electronic translator

The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

-We need more jobs                            -We need new Health care

 

-Lower taxes for everyone to              -Raise taxes only on people making an

 help the economy really grow            income. More rebates for people who

                                                             pay no tax at all.

 

-Less government intrusion into        -Need to get Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity

 our daily lives                                      off the air. They are too subversive, and

                                                             keep talking about our Founding fathers,

                                                             Ronald Reagan, and other old farts.

 

-Need a lot more jobs now.  Jobs,       -Need speedier implementation of Health

 jobs, jobs, jobs.  Get it???                    Care.  It’s the Health Care, Stupid!!

 

-Unemployment is at a 50-year          -Bastard companies are exporting jobs

 high. What are you doing about it?     to China to get that cheap labor. Need

                                                              to punish them more or just nationalize

 

-People are defaulting on their             -Greedy bankers are screwing the  

 mortgages and losing homes                common man. Need to hang them out

                                                                to dry, and force banks to stay open

                                                                on Holidays, as punishment.

 

-We like our current Health Care         -Nasty health insurance companies are

 plan. Don’t F#&! with it                        screwing us. We poor souls don’t

                                                               know any better, but you’ll save us

 

-I need you to start listening to me,   -You’re a handsome devil. Weren’t you

 really listening to me                           on the latest cover of GQ?

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

Obamacare: not-so gentle persuasion for Yes votes

At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House.  Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need.  One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker.  Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer.  Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way.  Pretty sweet…”

Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd.  Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson.  Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary.  They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.

But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts.  Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection.  They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement.  These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.

Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington.  Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.

Stimulus bucks finally trickling into Bizarreville

Bizarreville officials proudly announced today that, after much toil and tribulation, they were able to secure some of the dribblings from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.  Bizarreville had received a small dose of funds last year, mostly used to upgrade the Port-a-pottys at Shlumplers Park… along with a training program for citizens on how to properly use them.  When asked what in the world does this have to do with improving the economy, officials said that it puts the money being paid for pay toilet usage back in the hands of ordinary citizens.  As a side benefit, it will also keep the homeless from pissing in the alleys, thus improving the environment, hygiene, and general smell of the downtown area.

But now, new funding has made it through the bureaucratic maze of government, and passed muster of the allocation wizards and earmark distributors.  The first project will be to refurbish the disgusting ghetto homes on the south side.  These homes are only 2 years old, but have been completely trashed and turned into crap by the inhabitants.  The refurbishing, this time, will utilize much sturdier materials that will extend the life between trashings, and/or make it much more difficult for the trashees to do their demolition.

Some money will be used to spray Ortho-crud in the weed-infested front yards of these decrepid homes, as well as splash some grass seeds around.  Money will be saved versus original estimates after it was discovered that the yards have ample pre-existing fertilizer.

A second project will provide 50 audible pedestrian crosswalk countdowns, aimed at people who have trouble understanding the “Don’t Walk” concept.  Some extra funding was approved to commission George Clooney to do the countdown voiceover, and issue curt instructions for the disobedient when detected by heat-sensing equipment (also paid for with Stimulus funds).  Most officials expect that pedestrians will ignore these audio reminders just like they ignore the regular signals, but overwhelmingly love the novelty element of it all.  “Hey, it’s not our money, anyway….it’s Stimulus money,” spouted an unnamed official.

Simpli-tax, the series. Part 14.

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Toyota’s new strategy: make bumper cars

Toyota executives, tired and stressed-out from the continuing flap over alleged accelerator pedal sticking and faulty brake systems on their hybrid and other cars, have been huddling and finally announced an exciting new strategy for their company.  They plan to take all the recalled hybrids and convert them to electric bumper cars for the amusement parks around the world.

“It was a logical choice,” the Head Marketing manager for Toyota spouted.  “Bumper cars are pedal-to-the-metal vehicles all the time that never require let up on the throttle, and certainly do not need braking.  Why spend jillions of dollars trying to find some alleged needle in the haystack problem…then be faced with class-action lawsuit after class-action lawsuit from the idiots out there who probably just forgot to take their friggin foot off the gas?”

A spokesman for the United Bumper Car Association was concerned that the typical Prius is a bit too big for the current bumper car electro-tracks, and if placed along side conventional bumper cars, may in fact run them over…crushing the riders in the smaller car.  Toyota engineers agree, and suggest that the old-style cars adopt roll bars and roll-over protection enhancements that would prevent such a catastrophe.  “I’m frankly surprised that the bumper cars don’t have such protection now,” an engineer said.

Toyota strategists think this could rekindle the bumper car business, and may open up a brand new market for family fun.  They are considering building new, larger bumper car tracks near NASCAR venues to attract customers looking for an experience that is more than just spectating.

The Demolition Derby Association has also been asking about making a deal with Toyota for recalled cars, but thus far no deal has been reached.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Rahm Emanuel’s Jaybird strategy

Bizarreville reporters have been able to get the inside scoop to help us all better understand Rahm Emanuel’s new shower strategy to pressure various Dems to vote for the President’s liberaloski agenda.  Many pundits had previously thought the shower thing was kind of yang showdown…but further investigation uncovered certain technical problems that made that approach non-feasible.

No, Emanuel is instead trying to break down the shyness barrier that is so prevalent in the country, so that people get more used to the idea of communal showers and public baths.  “After all,” Emanuel said, ” it was commonplace in Roman times for citizens to get naked together, bathe with each other, and wash each others’ private parts.  Why, two thousand years later, are we so nakedophobic now?”

Communal bathing is a key cornerstone in his future vision for the country.  He considers people who have enormous master bathrooms and homes with multiple private toilets as “greedy crappers”.  He has mentioned several times that he converted 3 bathrooms in his own home into small apartments for his in-laws, and replaced one small toilet in the remaining head with a communal trough for multi-users.  Rahm points out that his family saves 2000 gallons of water per year by these buddy-up conservation measures.

For smirkers, Emanuel responds that his setup will be the model for the future, when water rationing becomes law…probably in Obama’s second term.  Meanwhile, he understands that some congressmen will complain about his jaybird strategy.  Female congresspeople could not be reached for comment.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Free Lunch

Disproving another adage, Bizarreville is now offering a Free Lunch from 12 noon to 1:00 pm Monday through Friday.  It is being done with no adverse impact to current taxpayers, and no strings attached.  It is totally free, and open to anyone and everyone who wants or needs a lunch.

Free Lunch will be available at the former home of Shanky’s Bar-B-Q, the originators of the baby back donkey ribs and the cabbage-flavored barbeque sauce.  Shanky’s, as most know, went belly-up after the alleged food poisoning epidemic and associated lawsuits.

One word of caution for the lunch freeloaders who might be tempted to take advantage of this enticing opportunity.  The bill of fare consists of a variety of pre-digested, processed, and freshly scooped dog food…somewhat watery in texture and pungent to the nose.  It is not particularly appetizing, but it is free, and free in basically unlimited quantities.  Free Lunch also solves a perplexing environmental problem…but that is the subject of another story.

Free Lunch is brought to you by your friends on the Liberal Left, who believe that quantity is more important than quality, and that everyone has an inalienable right to the pursuit of food.  Free Lunch will be funded by the future, not-yet-conceived grandchildren of Bizarreville taxpayers.  Thank you letters have been written, and will be sent/opened when the babies are born and become old enough to read.  When the kids reach 21 years of age, they will receive the invoice.

Harry Reid jobs quote: the rest of the story

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD…”

This, of course was a brief snippet from a speech made by Harry Reid on March 5th, after seeing the most recent jobless claims data.  Many people have heard this quote and concluded that Harry is totally out of touch.  But too often sound bites can be taken out of context and misconstrued.  So, in order to better understand the meaning and emotion he was trying to convey, we present the full speech below:

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD.  Sure it would have been better for our Party and the Liberal/Progressive movement if the number was more like 136 thousand job losses.  But we can’t be greedy, and I ask my colleagues to take comfort that jobs are continuing to disappear, and what few are left are being swallowed up by illegal Mexicans.  Data clearly shows that more and more people are sucking on the government entitlement bosom than ever before.  Millions and millions more.  Don’t believe that 9.7 percent unemployment number.  The real number is 17 percent.  That’s right, 17 percent.  Believe it.  We’re on our way to posting 20’s.

“Right now the Senate is debating a new “Jobs” bill.  But fear not, my comrades, it’s only meant to add jobs in a parallel universe to our own…with anti-matter people drilling for anti-matter energy in dry wells.  That’s the kind of virtual jobs we will be talking about…job fiction.  But we must name it a Jobs bill to create the proper illusion and misdirection to fool the idiots out there.  We will use the buzzwords to make voters think we’re creating jobs, while at the same time using the old sleight of hand trick to dump a few trillion in cash into the bottomless abyss to do absolutely, positively no good for nobody. Presto!   Ooooh, I’m getting shivers up my leg just thinking about it!

“So do not fear.  Do not pay attention to the trash talk and mis-characterizations that suggest we are nuzzling up with Republicans, Freedom Lovers, Tea Baggers, or other Capitalistas.  Ain’t happening, won’t happen.  I know I’ve lied to you before, but you have got to believe me on this one.  I promise on a stack of Communist Manifestos that I am true to our movement.

“But we all must stay diligent to the effort to bring down capitalism.  We must all work together to push the National Debt to astronomical levels, so that the evil Financial institutions start to crumble.  We must pass more outrageous regulations and taxes to drive those nasty industrialists to bankruptcy, so we can nationalize them just like we did at GM.  People said we couldn’t take down a huge company like GM, naysayers gave us little hope…but we showed them all that it could be done.  But remember, one big filthy auto company and a couple bloated banks here and there are not enough.  There’s still huge food/beverage businesses, computer/information technology industries, and diaper businesses that are ripe for the taking….no pun intended.  So, do your part to bring them down, one by one, quarterly disappointment by quarterly disappointment, greedy bastard by greedy bastard.

“Together, we can make change…change that you and I can believe…..wait, wait…are those cameras rolling?  Oh crap…Cut!  Cut!!  Shut those  f#*%r$  off, you  A$$#*!es!!  Oh geez….

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

AMA gets pissed on Obamacare

Doctors across Bizarreville were surprised and shocked that the AMA came out in favor of Obamacare.  They asked how can this be true when 90% of doctors are totally opposed to this belligerent, radical takeover of the Health Care industry?  Many doctors are claiming they will retire when/if this nightmare comes true.  They are puzzled that the AMA somehow “doesn’t get it”, or has chosen to flip the bird to the people they represent.

The truth behind this story has been discovered.  Our investigative reporters have dug deep into the bowels of this issue, and found the facts.  Turns out, the members of the AMA Leadership Council were held up at gunpoint several weeks ago, while taking a casual stroll along the Potomac.  A masked man wearing an “Obama loves me” wife-beater shirt and smelling like a Liberal accosted them, threatening to take their $75 million funding away if they didn’t play ball.  One of the leaders became outraged and screamed ‘No way, Jose’….and he was promptly shot.  Luckily the assailant’s gun was a squirt gun, and he was shot with 12 ounces of horse piss.  But it ruined his suit, and the event was enough to terrorize the other wimpified AMA Leaders into blubbering a tacit acceptance of the gunman’s demands.

Even the sprayed doctor agreed to play ball after considering that the Obamacare thug might visit his personal home and spray his whole family, his Beemer, and his cigar humidor.  “You think it’s funny,” the sprayee cried.  “But let me tell you, that horse piss is nasty stuff and hard to wash off.  I can still smell it on that suit…had it dry cleaned twice and it still wreaks like formeldehyde or monofrodian moxolate….ugghhh!  Probably will have to give it to Goodwill.”

Many doctors across the land have pledged to drop their horse piss-tainted AMA membership in response to this weak-kneedness to stand up and fight for them.  “Hey, I’ll buy the doc a freaking suit,” one doctor yelled in anger.  When asked if he would be willing to buy the guy’s Beemer, however, he responded, “Probably not.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Simpli-tax, the series part 14

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