Archive for February 1st, 2010
February 1st, 2010 Posted 4:34 pm
The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour. He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?” He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.
His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest. Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace. Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns. Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.
Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio. The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%. Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch. He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month. Bottom line: it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization. The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations. The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.
The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon. During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants. He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days. Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”
They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week. During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance. But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term. Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.
When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth. “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)… curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.