Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Archive for January 20th, 2010

Upcharge wars

No Comments »

January 20th, 2010 Posted 1:39 pm

The recent announcement of yet another major airline deciding to pillage customers 25 dollars for a lousy piece of luggage has touched-off Upcharge wars in Bizarreville.  The 2 Bizarreville airlines are donning battle gear…let the war begin.

Leadbelly Airlines, the perennial last place holder in on-time arrival (or industry leader in off-time arrival if you prefer the positive perspective) has shot off the first volley.  Yesterday they announced that, yes, there would be charges for checked bags.  But they are taking it several steps further by announcing additional fee schedules for bringing crap on board:

     – $5 for bringing on board a purse or suitcase
     – $10 for a laptop computer
     – $3 for excessive change in pockets
     – $2 for wearing shoes over size 10
     – $1 for wearing an ugly Hawaiian shirt

Leadbelly says they are considering upcharges for tall people, fat people, and people wreaking of body odor in order to take even greater lead in the Upcharge race.airlines  Obnoxiously fat people or stinky people will be charged for the whole row of seats.

Lame Duck Air, the leader and award-winner in marginally lousy customer service who coined the motto “Shut Up, Sit Down, and We’ll Getcha There” is taking a decidedly different tack in the Upcharge challenge.  They announced that they will immediately begin charging $2 to use the restroom, bringing back the classic Pay Toilet concept from the 1950’s for nostalgia buffs.  TP will be available from a restroom vending machine for a nominal extra charge, exact change only.  They have eliminated Flight Attendants per se, but will allow customers to buy Attendant service at one dollar per help item, or a booklet of 6 help coupons for $4.  They toyed with the idea of joining the baggage fee crowd, but are upping the ante…they have just eliminated all baggage on all flights, checked or otherwise.  “You want baggage, call UPS,” quoted a Lame Duck press release.

Leadbelly responds they will stay competitive in this war and may eliminate that darn “free baby” allowance scam that has been hampering airlines for decades.  “Bring your baby?  Full charge.  Don’t like it?  Get a friggin’ baby sitter.  Next?”  said the VP Customer Service.

Lame Duck Air (LDA) stock was up $0.13 on the news, while Leadbelly (LBA) was down $0.10.  Analysts with Dingbird and Doodle are still calling Lame Duck a BUY.   LDA quarterly earnings results are coming out next week…anticipated to be pathetic, but above expectations.

Posted in Corporate shnooks