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Archive for January 13th, 2010

Judge requires political parties to change their names

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January 13th, 2010 Posted 4:52 pm

A federal judge issued an order yesterday requiring both national political parties to change their names, as a matter of what he called “truth in advertising”.  The Democrats will be required to change their name to the Spendocrats, and the Republicans will be forced to change to the ReSpendicans prior to their 2010 political campaigns.  This was in response to a class-action lawsuit charging that both parties have been total imbeciles when it comes to spending discipline, with no apparent plans to rein it in…and seem oblivious to the problem as they dance through their field of daisies on Capitol hill.

Needless to say, both parties were outraged and have responded that there is no way in hell a judge has authority to make such an order.  Furthermore, they have both said that they are not spendaholics as some have charged, nor do they take hard drugs that would cause them to hallucinate that they are actually balancing annual budgets.  The Spendocrats and ReSpendicans have both stated unequivocally that it is 100% the fault of their predecessors who put them in this hole, and claim that it is only through enormously hard work and dedication that the fiscal situation isn’t in a bigger hole than it is now. 

spendocratsThe judge countered with an expletive, then cautioned that if they fail to comply, the parties will be in contempt of court and will suffer appropriate consequences, which may include selective disqualification from November contests.  He recommended making the change quickly, so that new logos can be designed and new flyers, brochures, posters, and other nonsensical paraphenalia can be printed prior to the primary races.  The judge even doodled some possible logo ideas with old-fashioned cash register themes during closing arguments of the case to keep from falling asleep… which he gave to party leaders, gratis.  “Emphasize your strength, boys,” he commented cynically just before he left the courtroom.

The judge had further ordered that all party leaders would have to either (a) resign, or (b) attend remedial arithmetic classes at nearby Shmeldmore Elementary School, under the tutelage of mean Miss Funkenheimer.  The 68-year old codgery math teacher has successfully taught over 1000 students in her career, some of whom were even dumber than these guys.  “She can teach total bozos how to do basic math, but may need to bust a lot of knuckles in the process,” the judge said.