Archive for December 18th, 2009
1 Comment »Good afternoon. Today we’re speaking with a member of the Bizarreville White House cabinet. Your name is… You can just call me Mr. Ambiguity. Okay, fine, Mr. Ambiguity….we understand that you have recently met with a host of ‘Fat Cat’ bankers (I believe that is what you called them). These would be, what….the CEO’s of some large banks? Yes. We met with these overweight greedy Master Bastards earlier this week. Read them the full, unabridged Riot Act for causing the whole world financial crisis, which put the country in this recession. It was a brutal butt-chewing… poop on the ceiling. I heard that you did all this over a lavish dinner of 2-inch thick New York strip steaks, fine Napa cabernet, and creme brulee. Well, yes. We wanted to thank them for paying back the stimulus funds early, several months ahead of schedule. And for starting to ease up credit a bit for small businesses out there. I thought….I mean, earlier you sounded like you had been angry at them for getting into trouble in the first place? Damn straight. We pointed out in no uncertain terms their loosey goosey lending policies…approving loans for gold bricks and ne’er-do-wells who had no intention on ever repaying. We told them if it ever happened again, someone would be going to jail. But weren’t you guys the ones who told them to make credit easier so that more people could afford personal homes? Yes. And we thanked them for taking on such a daunting challenge, responding to our suggestions. They helped millions of people out there, literally millions. We gave each one of the bankers a poinsetta as a token of our deep appreciation. Daunting challenge? They used all kinds of hedging and derivative schemes with reinsurance tricks. Those guys are professional bankers, for crying out loud…trained, trained, and re-trained in proper accounting methods. We agree. These knuckleheads know better. Have half a mind to call their alma maters and revoke their college degrees. Why haven’t you done that already? What are you waiting for…an Act of Congress? Well, some Bankers have been pretty nice, outstanding contributors to our campaign…hundreds of thousands of dollars of welcome loot. In fact, a couple of them are staying in the Chester Arthur bedroom as a reward for being such loyal friends. So they’ve basically pre-bought your silence, when it comes to calling the college dean? Hell no. In fact, I just put it on my To Do list. Here it is…right here: Call Harvard on Tuesday. I’ll rip them a new one Tuesday. Well thank you, Mr. Ambiguity. You certainly have lived up to your stellar reputation. Thank you. It’s been a pleasure talking to you…except for the times when it was boring and mundane. Where’s the door….this way?
December 18th, 2009 Posted 2:06 pm