Archive for November 20th, 2009
November 20th, 2009 Posted 1:29 pm
Bizarreville citizens are getting suspicious. First it was the whole business of the Feds commissioning the medical study that ultimately concluded that women did not need annual mammograms, in fact did not need to even start until 50 years old. Frustration could clearly be seen on the faces of Officials in the Health Dept, almost to the point of shock. Later, it leaked out that they were looking for a frequency of every 5 years, starting at age 60.
Soon after, another curious study showed up in press releases. This one concluded that clipping toenails would prevent catching the flu…and this was much more effective than stupid flu vaccines at 25 bucks a pop. The study also pointed out that toenail clipping was much lower risk than going to your doctor’s office and incubating in his germ-infested scuzz-bucket waiting room, departing with new ailments.
But then, a 3rd study was published recommending all citizens smoke at least 3 packs of cigarettes a day. The stated rationale was that the enormous amount of inhaled tar essentially built an impenetrable protective shield, preventing nearly all types of parasites and microbes from entering the body. Plus, the abundant poisonous additives mixed into the tobacco would be very effective killing cancer cells and other unwanted nasties. The study further recommended that all restaurants revert back to putting No Smoking areas in lousy back corners of the room, like was done in the old days, thus flip-flopping the 2nd class citizen designation.
Skeptics say that these whacky studies do not pass the Smell Test…in point of fact, they smell like 6-month old stale liverwurst sandwiches stuffed in a gym locker with well-perspired undergarments. Nevertheless, Bizarreville authorities have stamped the studies as “Official”, and are using the results to help mold the new upcoming Health Care program. “Smells like money to me,” one official was quoted saying.