bizarreville

Archive for November, 2009

Sixth consecutive month of job loss avoidances is clear evidence of economic rebound

The Bizarreville Labor Dept is proud to announce that another 50 thousand job losses were avoided last month.  This marks the 6th consecutive month of job loss avoidances, which Dept officials cite as evidence of a significant rebound in the economy.

As you know, Job loss avoidances are determined by telephoning a sample of businesses and asking them “If things don’t get better fast, will you have to shut down?”  Then asking them, “Do you know that Congress recently passed a Stimulus bill?”  If the answers are YES to both questions, that is considered an official Job Loss Avoidance.  Numbers are then tallied, and statistical extrapolations are used to determine the nationwide estimate.

Unfortunately, slightly dampening that good news was the report that there were 30 thousand Job Gain Avoidances during the month.  Several large expansions by Bizarreville companies were abruptly cancelled, when certain favorable tax incentives were dropped.  Legislators had called for these tax revisions, claiming that the firms were getting “just too darn greedy”, and needed to pay more of their Fair share.  One of the firms, Melfnerd Industries, decided to pull up stakes altogether and move the company to Botswana where the economic climate is better, and Leaders actually want the jobs there.  Many legislators have dismissed the Job Gain Avoidance number as being “totally speculative and hypothetical, aimed at dampening an otherwise rosy picture.”

The Labor Dept also reported that Mean Wage Gain Avoidance was high last month, but Executive Compensation Loss Avoidance was much less than expected.  “More evidence of the growing Avoidance disparity between the high-end and low-end of the pay scale,” cited liberally-minded Dept officials.  “With consumer price inflation avoidance less than expected and crude oil price decline avoidance less than originally projected, there continues to be a ratcheting squeeze on the lower middle class…particularly those who failed to avoid the mortgage crunch.”

A night class is being scheduled at Bizarreville Community College to explain economic avoidance theory.  At this point, however, the College is still searching for someone who would know how to teach it.

Commie Michael Moorebird having trouble getting out of Cuba

We are continuing to follow the news story about Michael Moorebird’s ill-fated Commie Experience Cruise to Cuba, as well the arduous ordeals Michael has personally gone through. His story has captured the hearts, while unclenching the stomachs, of audiences throughout Bizarreville.

Michael was released from the Cuban Hospital last week after being tossed overboard by disgruntled vacationers.  But when trying to get back into the country, he discovered that he had lost his passport in the sea.  Michael was categorically denied re-entry.  He desperately tried to make contact with officials, citizens, friends, acquaintances, but no one would claim him or acknowledge him in any way…some claiming they thought he might be a Russian spy.

Meanwhile, Cuban officials, in an attempt to throw poor Michael a lifeline, offered to keep him.  In fact, there was serious talk about making Moorebird some sort of Worldwide Ambassador.  As an enticement, they were going to offer to set him up in a 2-room apartment with its own private toilet, and an office cubicle in the not-so-smelly back area of the National Office Edifice in Havana, very close to the fire escape…in other words, Cuba’s version of the Red carpet.

Michael claims he will find a way to get back into the country and back to his personal luxury estate.  But he admits his whole Commie movement has taken a severe beating recently with all this bad publicity…and he will need to regroup.  First priority may be a quick trip to Hollywood to get some sympathy and support from his fellow pinkeroos, who will most certainly rebuild his spirits and get his March to Marxism back on track.  A lavish gala, perhaps a costume party with a peasant theme (cash bar naturally) might recapture the mood.  Stay tuned.

Clever solution found for defiant Health Care Ditchers

The new provision in the Bizarreville Health Care program forcing jail time on those who defiantly refuse to buy Health Care has set off a bit of a storm.  And rightly so.  The detractors correctly point out that prisons are presently over-crowded, which has allowed some thieves and murderers to be let out early…back on the street to their lives of pilfering, maiming, and other thuggery.  Critics argue that this new Health Care provision will just put more dirt-baggage on the street where gang goons are ready to swoop down and whisk them back to the nest.

But the clever legislators had already thought about that, and worked up a solution.  There will be considerable funding in the gradiose Health Care program to build a new nationwide array of jails for the new class of scofflaws…Health Care Ditchers Prisons.  Each will be a cookie-cutter replica of each other, with a moderate level of security to keep these rascals rounded-up.  And each prison will be fully staff to administer rehabilitative health care, and lots of it…daily checkups with lots of pokes and probes, enemas, generic drugs and placebos 8 times/day, bland healthy meals with lots of oats.  “We will drive this anti-health care behavior clean out of them, excuse the pun.  They will either learn to love it, or they will get more and more of it.  The most ornery will be put in solitary with a round-the-clock nurse, continually taking blood pressure and anal temperature.  We believe in rehabilitation, and the Health Care Ditcher Prison concept will make it happen.”

These Idealists believe that, once released, the Cons will rejoin society and pony-up for the health care insurance without gripes or acts of violent defiance.  “They may not go for all the supplemental coverages, but they will shell out for the Basic package, believe me.  That aggravating streak of independence will be mollified…replaced with a new sense of toe-the-line conformity.”

There will also be a Health Care Ditchers federal agency to manage and enforce the rules.  Already, the agency is gathering names of likely culprits.  They are particularly looking at Apple Computer users as a breeding ground, since these people in the past have typically exhibited severe conformity issues, and could be trouble-some.

Meanwhile, the agency is also developing a national advertising campaign to give all citizens fair warning.  It will be based on the theme tag line:  “Buy or Fry” …a message sure to convince the reluctant ones to sign up quickly for the health insurance program, whether they want it or not.

The Guy in the Chair over there isn’t breathing

A group of Bizarreville congresspeople has proposed the concept of Term Limits.  They use the example of 90-year old Congressman Ferbert Clodge, who has been a member for 54 years….longer than most others have been alive.  His decrepid health condition requires an Aide to push him around to meetings in a wheelchair, help him accomplish certain bodily functions in his frequent trips to the Mens room, and read to him Today’s marching orders from the Majority Whip.  The latter is necessary so he knows how to vote, when to pick his nose, what not to say in front of cameras, and when to fart.

“This is an abomination,” commented one of the young members.  “Look at that guy.  He doesn’t know if he’s in Punksville or Skunksville.  The only groups he’s effectively representing are the vegetable groups in your refrigerator.  He tips over in his wheelchair every time the air conditioning system kicks on.  This numb-dumb is the poster child for term limits…or in his case, the poster anti-child.”

Obviously, the dilemma is thinking that incumbents would vote for their own pink slips…particularly after they get used to the lavish life style, bolstered by the lobbyist gift parade.  In the past, even the wide-eyed freshmen took about 14 nano-seconds to get sucked in.

But the new class is sick and tired of this business-as-usual crap, and vows to put a stop to the Rot-in-your-chair policy.  They’re not sure how exactly to do it, but are starting with a national advertising campaign.  The theme is unannounced yet, but sources say it will feature rocking chairs, squeaky bone noises, and dust…..lots and lots of dust.

To get Health care passage, Congress considers the Beer amendment

Congressman Burfman, supported overwhelmingly by his constituents, is pressing hard for passage of his Beer Amendment in the Health Care bill.  The Beer Amendment would classify beer as a prescription medication under the auspices of the FDA.

Initially, many were against the concept of having beer under federal authority…the oversight, the bureaucrazy, the numbskull rules and regulations, etc.  But Burfman explained how it would work under the new Health Care plan.

“Here’s how it would work.  You go to your family doctor, and claim that you’re totally stressed-out, causing palpitations, tremors, headaches, whatever.  The Doc prescribes beer…and not some wimpy “Light” beer, but a full-bodied pale ale…and makes the prescription to specify taking one six-pack per day.  Now here’ s where the fun comes in.  You go to the mail order prescription firm, and get a 90-day supply for a lousy $10 co-pay.  Huh??  That’s right!!  You get 540 premium pale ales, over 22 cases of brewskies for one sawbuck.  I believe that comes to 2 cents per beer, if my math is correct.  Now is this an idea we can all find some common ground on?  Can we cross the aisle, shake hands on this?”

The Budget Office is running the numbers.  But their preliminary analysis is that this would be a hell of a lot cheaper than some of the so-called “regular” nervous/anxiety meds priced out the wazoo.  It appears they will give it the green light.

Meanwhile, some of the old fogies in the Bizarreville Congress object that this whole thing is totally ridiculous, absurd, and out of the question, “Beer medicine…baaaah.”  But Burfman replies, “Why not a Beer Amendment?  There’s a lot more stupid stuff in the freaking Health Care bill than the Beer Amendment.”

Meet Mofunkra, the jihad warrior wannabe

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.

Tear down this freaking wall

Many, many years ago on the East side of Bizarreville, an epidemic of weed growth overtook many of the grassy lawns.  The weed outbreak spread from lawn to lawn to lawn very quickly, prompting fear among all Bizarreville citizens.  At Town Hall meetings, people cried out for solutions.  Finally Frank Gorbasluff suggested “Let’s build a wall.  We’ll quarantine off the East side so the weed spores stay over there, and can’t migrate over here.”  The people applauded the idea, and immediately started to work on building the wall.  They also installed checkgates so that Easterners who had weed spores on their shoes could not enter the West side until they took a shower and fully cleansed shoes, socks, and other garments.

But over the years, the wall became a major political issue. segregating the Weedy Eastern Bizarrevillians from the Non-weedy Westerners.  Easterners would call the other side Weed Virgins, while Westerners would respond back calling the other side Weed  F#*^!#*$.  As you can imagine, it became very divisive.

About 20 years ago, President Reagan was passing through Bizarreville on his way to a Bar-B-Q restaurant somewhere.  Reagan heard about the rancor between East and West, and decided to pitch-in and help.  He tracked down the originator of the whole wall idea, and said the famous words, “Mister Gorbasluff, tear down this wall.  Go spray some freaking weed-killer over there, and that’ll take care of it all.  Trust me.”

Of course, as all know, that’s exactly what Gorbasluff did, and the rest is history.  They tore down the wall, double-sprayed with Weed Exterminator Plus, and green grass proliferated.  And East shook hands with West, although both applied that hand disinfectant afterwards…hey, true reconciliation takes a little time.

Party Chief calls Earmarks gross, disgusting, putrid

“Earmarks are disgusting,” the head of the  Party exclaimed.  “I’m not even sure where they came from.  Years ago, you never heard of Earmarks.  Maybe there were no earmarks…or earmarks were so small you didn’t notice them.  But that’s certainly not true now…Earmarks are most assuredly noticeable.  Grosses me out every time I see one…and I’ve seen way too many lately.”

Numerous groups have begun fighting against earmarks, but run up against ambivalence and apathy.  “There are much, much bigger issues than Earmarks that must be solved.  I’m surprised we’re even talking about earmarks.  Must be those people on the fringe who just cannot accept that things change…it’s now a way of life.  Earmarks are here to stay…deal with it!”

But the Party head responds “Hey, I can deal with Good change.  But Earmarks are not Good change.  Earmarks leave a filthy trail, that at some point, somebody will have to clean up.  And that’s not a job any of us would look forward to doing.”

Nobody is quite sure how long people in Bizarreville have been sharing those Rooskie hats with the earmuffs, but undoubtedly it goes back many generations.  Probably goes back to a time when the poor people could not afford their own hats. 

And ENT doctors cannot definitively explain this recent outbreak of excessive earwax that has plagued the citizenry.  They hypothesize that it is a result of excessive Cheeseburger intake with XL sides of fries…but that is only one theory.  But clearly, the smelly, waxy buildup on the earmuffs has become, in some minds, a revolting hygiene issue, that can no longer be ignored.  “You wouldn’t let people share skidmarks…why would you permit them to share earmarks?”

Unemployment solutions dismissed as ‘work beneath us’

Bizarreville leaders are perplexed about what next to do, now that unemployment has tipped over 10 percent.  They are belatedly all realizing that their so-called “stimulation” just stimulated themselves.  Citizens are getting pretty tired of watching all the self-stimulation by these guys, and are demanding something new.

One proposal was to do some work on Pothole Boulevard, a road that has fallen into major disrepair over many years.  The suggestion was made to have the Unemployed with shovels and wheelbarrows filling the 16 gazillion potholes that have turned the boulevard into a slalom course.  But critics argue that if you fill the potholes, we would have to change the name of the street, entailing huge costs of re-signage, new maps, GPS changes, retraining, and so on.  Besides, “Patchhole Boulevard” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Another suggestion was to have the Out-of-Work form clean-up teams to clean up the filth and grossness in some of the East side neighborhoods….trash, garbage, animal feces, beer cans, wee wee …just pick up the junk and power-clorox-wash the whole freaking place.  But opponents argue that won’t solve the root cause of the problem:  people treating their neighborhoods like pig stys.  It will all just get re-messed a few weeks later, and return to Filth-boro.

A third idea was to turn them into entrepreneurs by planting vegetable gardens at the Bizarreville Landfill, and setting up veggie stands to peddle their harvests.  But nay-sayers responded that growing any kind of food on that nasty landfill would probably be laced with carcinogens, mad cow diseases, and purple fungus.  “No one’s gonna eat that sh*!#.”

It was becoming abundantly clear that the unemployed really did not want to do this kind of stuff…much simpler to stay at home and collect unemployment checks.  “That kind of work is way beneath us.  We’ve come a long way, and no way we’re going back in that direction,” said an Association for the Unemployed spokesperson.  “Are those nacho cheese chips over there?  Yeah…pass ’em here.”

Simpli-tax, the series. Part 8

Join our merry band of CPA’s as they meet up with their long-time, high-powered Lobbyists that they think will help them stop the whole tax simplification movement.  Imagine their surprise when the Lobbyists tell them that they have switched alliance, and now will be advocating for the other side…to push hard for the simplified tax structure.  What will happen?  Will there be a brouhaha?  Click on Simpli-tax, and join the fun.

Cap’n Trade is darn good for you

New from Quacker Oats – it’s Cap’n Trade cereal.  Much different than those old crispy, crunchy cereals that make so much racket and hurt your poor gums, Cap’n Trade offers you that soggy, mushy consistency that you’ve loved so much over the years.  Just add milk, and watch the morsels turn into a limp, pasty mush that you’re sure to enjoy.

It should be noted, as part of this announcement, that Quacker Oats is eliminating all of its other cereal brands…the sweet tastes, the fruity aromas, the crunchy textures.  All those offerings, honestly, were just not good for you.  So they’re gone.  Now Quacker offers 1 brand that’s good for you.  And you’re gonna like it…

Because it’s Healthy.  That’s right.  Quacker has spent years in product development to bring you Cap’n Trade, which offers things no other cereal company can boast.  One advantage is that it will reduce your you-know-what emissions by over 20%!  Imagine that…20 percent.  Cap’n Trade’s special formulation of oat bran, Gas-X, and sodium bicarbonate will make you feel like you just capped your keister.  Won’t that be nice…for you, your family members, and really the entire Globe when you add it all up.  That’s a lot of carbon emissions, if you know what I mean.

Plus, in every box, kids will find a free professional Soccer player trading card.  Everyone remembers what happened with Baseball trading cards over the years; old ones are worth a fortune now.  Imagine the fun as your kids save these valuable cards, trade them with their friends, while at the same time retaining a high-return investment for their college futures.  Slam dunk, money in the bank.

So pick up a box of Cap’n Trade cereal at your local grocer.  And proudly show your friends how darn smart you are by reducing “tail pipe” emissions, and investing smartly for the future.  We’re sure they will think you’re brilliant, simply brilliant.

Pssst…I’ve got some H1N1 vaccine for ya’

Rather than griping and moping about the current shortage of the H1N1 virus vaccine, wily Bizarreville entrepreneurs have decided to get creative, and take things into their own hands.  Burning the midnight oil in their Disease Labs, a consortium of pathologists, medical professionals, and unemployed auto workers who happened to be staying at a nearby Holiday Inn Express came up with an alternate solution:  dubbed the F1Y1 vaccine.

Normally flu vaccines use dead virus bugs in their formulation, which develops an immunity to the new virus entering the body.  The consortium has a different idea:  “Screw that whole dead virus thing.  People just end up getting sick and sitting all night on the crapper anyway.  We don’t mess with any viruses: dead, alive, suspended animation, none of that funky stuff.”

The consortium used some out-of-the-box thinking in their approach to the problem.  They figured that the virus entering the body looks for something to feed on…why not provide some “special” virus food that will make them nauseated, and render them ineffective?

They devised a witches’ potion made up of select ingredients:

• Warm, ripe prune juice from a discarded junk refrigerator
• An old can of skunked Schlitz Malt Liquor
• Ground-up ultimate nachos with extra refried beans
• Jello
• Hair from a Rogaine user
• A pinch of magic dirt from the Notre Dame football stadium
• Perspiration from a hardworking congressman (very rare)

It’s still technically in Beta stage of development, but early results look promising, and no one wants to wait.  And the good news is that, unlike the obscure unavailable H1N1 vaccine, the F1Y1 has been made in truckload quantities, ready for immediate administering.  Hazardous material vouchers have already been processed so that deliveries can begin.

One reported side-effect is the pungent odor that emanates from the pores of the newly vaccinated for 2-3 days.  When asked about this phenomenon, the consortium spokesman said, “No surprise.  What did you expect….hyacinth?”